1. If you take it off, hang it up
2. Start carrying cash
3. Write your grocery list before you hit the store
4. Say “no” more often
5. Unsubscribe from those tempting sales emails
6. Go places on two wheels (and remember to wear your bike helmet!)
7. Bring a plant into work to wake up your desk
8. Keep a notepad in your purse and jot down your ideas as they come
9. Do your kegels
10. Always back up your smart phone/computer
11. Turn your to-do list into a schedule. Specify what time you will tackle each item
12. Get into bed 20 minutes before you actually want to be asleep
13. Find a good tailor
14. Get professionally fitted for a bra
15. Discover your signature scent
16. Find the perfect shade of red lipstick for your complexion
17. Buckle up
18. Shop the outer edge of the supermarket to avoid junk foods
19. Turn off your tech devices one hour before you sleep
20. Switch to a moisturizer with SPF
Get dressed up and take me to an art museum.
Let me stare at you,
while you stare at the works of art on the walls.
The beautiful masterpieces that are so much like you,
increasingly beautiful to look at.
Throw on a hat,
and take me to watch your favorite baseball team play.
Let me fill up my camera with countless pictures of you,
as you fill the space around us with your laughter.
Grab your sunglasses, and go to the beach with me.
Let me playfully splash you with water.
Don’t get angry, I’ll let you splash me back.
Sit in the sun with me all day,
and then listen to me complain about my sunburn all night.
Bring a blanket,
and meet me on the couch.
I’ll make more popcorn than we could ever eat,
but god knows we’re both going to try.
Sit through a horror movie with me,
and I’ll reward you with kisses.
You can pick the next movie.
Take me out to the loudest sports bar you can find.
Let me buy you a drink,
and admire you in the dim lighting.
Let me soak in the fact that everyone is jealous of me because I have such a beautiful person by my side.
Play pool with me,
and then let’s argue on the way home about whether or not I let you win.
You’ll never know.
I don’t care what you do, or where you go. Just take me with you.
"College as explained to me in high school" vs. "College as experienced firsthand"
- In high school they told us: There will be no grades in a class except the midterm and the final, so you have to study hard because failing one test means you fail the class.
- Once I was in college a professor said: Hey, you guys are working really hard on your third paper, so I'm just going to cancel the final and give everyone a hundred on it.
- In high school they told us: In college, class always begins exactly at the scheduled start time. If your class is at 9 AM and you get there at 9:01, the doors will be locked and you'll be out of luck, especially if it's the day of the midterm or final, because then you get a zero.
- Once I was in college a professor said: Does anyone mind if I start class at 3:35 instead of 3:30? These elevators are really slow and I want to have time for a cigarette before I teach for 90 minutes.
- In high school they told us: Every class you miss drops you a full letter grade in college courses.
- Once I was in college almost every professor said: You can miss three classes without a penalty, and a few more if you have a Doctor's note. Sorry to be a hardass, but you automatically fail if you miss more than ten days of class.
- In high school they told us: If you do have papers, your professors just lecture and put the assignments on the syllabus. You're completely responsible for remembering the deadlines, they won't remind you. All your professors will do is lecture and the rest is up to you.
- Once I was in college a professor said: Okay, so your next paper is in two weeks! I'll keep reminding you in the interim, but I just want to make sure you have enough time to do it! Let's run through the structure I want to see real quick, and if you have any questions, feel free to email me or come to my office hours!
- In high school they told us: You have to use MLA formatting and if you make any mistakes in your citations, it'll be considered plagiarism. You'll be expelled and probably sued.
- Once I was in college almost every professor said: Please do not use MLA, it is awful, we use either APA or Chicago here because we are not 14 years old.
- In high school they told me: There is no excuse for an absence. NONE.
- In college I called a professor and said: I'm really, really, really sorry but it's -18 before windchill and I have to walk two miles to get to class.
- The professor said: You stay inside and stay safe. Here's what we're reading today. I'll quiz you next week and if you can get a 90% I'll mark you present. I know you live off-campus, do you have food?
- In high school they told me: Your advisor is just for academia, not personal problems.
- In college my advisor called me: Are you okay? I haven't seen you in class in two weeks and I know you have depression. I can drop off your work if you'd like. Please call me and tell me how you're doing even if you can't get to class.
- In high school they told me: Don't argue. You think this is bad, wait til college.
- In college all but one of my professors said: You wanna argue, do it in a civil manner. We didn't get here today without 5000 years of healthy debate.
This is the chemical formula for love:
dopamine, seratonin, oxytocin.
It can be easily manufactured in a lab, but overdosing on any of them can cause schizophrenia, extreme paranoia, and insanity.
Let that sink in.